Stuck in Twilight
by NeoKon
Summary: An idea that has probably been used a million times before.
1. Chapter 1

Bella Swan was a girl who did not like Twilight.

She did not like many things. She liked 4thwallcore bands and second-wave feminist literature. That was about it.

On the other hand, she didn't dislike many things. Twilight was one of them.

Her parents had named her Bella Swan because they were down on their luck, and an equally down-on-luck magazine was jumping the shark and offering a cash prize for a Worst Baby Name contest. The magazine went out of business before they could get the prize. Instead they got one of its laidoff minor executives as a personal servant for satisfyingly less than minimum wage.

When Twilight came out, this unusual name earned her a lot of frenemies and a lot of embarrassment. These frenemies used to joke about how one day, she would meet a vampire named Edward Cullen and fall in love with him. When her parents heard about this coincidence, they bought Twilight, read it, forced her to read it, told every media outfit they could find about their daughter's name, and took to frequently making this joke too.

It would be a bit cliché to say that Bella never expected it would come true. It would be better to say she rarely thought about it.


	2. Facebook

However, to say that would be lying.

Bella Swan did think about it – an awful lot.

She usually thought about it when she was listening to 4thwallcore music, because for obvious reasons it put her in that kind of mood. In fact, at one point, exactly 42 days before she met Edward Cullen, she was listening to Meta-llica at a sufficiently high volume to wipe out all culturally conditioned, contextual thought, and realized that were she to, in fact, meet a vampire named Edward Cullen and fall in love with him, it would be cliché for her not to expect it. So she decided she would expect him, any time now.

However, when you're listening to music that loud, you tend to forget things.

***************

Bella Swan met Edward Cullen on Facebook.

She was bored enough that day to look at her friend, group and cause requests, which had been piling up for several months now while she had primarily gone on her gender-feminist groups. She was bored because one group had been virused, one had closed, and one had a new member who seemed to think Barackrolls were the funniest thing known to man/womynkind, and who they couldn't seem to get rid of. At the top of her frenemy requests was someone called Edward Cullen, who seemed to have taken a picture of Edward Cullen from the movie and used it as his profile picture. He wasn't anyone she knew. He was located in, supposedly, 'Forks, Washington'. One of her frenemies had found him somewhere. She later found a frenzied request from the same frenemy in her message inbox screaming "OMG OMG omigawd is edward!!!!! u has 2 go out with him bella!!! Twilight yayz!!!!" By that time she had already confirmed him.

On an unrelated note, her Friends list also contained two people claiming to be Fifty Cent.


	3. 4thwallcore

This was Bella Swan's first conversation with Edward Cullen:

Edward commented on her profile: "You like Metallica? Cool?"

Bella replied: "No, it says Meta-llica. Meta- as in self-referential. Can't you read? You stupid, illiterate vampire."

***************

Meta-llica is a 4thwallcore band. 4thwallcore is like self-referential metalcore.

They are known for their song 'Dogfight', in which they recorded a dogfight, dubbed it onto the song instead of metalcore vocals, and pretended to cover it up. Numerous interpretations of the 'lyrics' circulate on the Internet, primarily among stupid people.

They also embed self-referential subliminal messages in their songs, like, 'you got subliminal message'd'.


	4. beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep you

Other conversations were similarly short. Edward never had any idea what Bella was talking about.

"Individualist feminists and "equality feminists" are just patriarchalists and paleo-conservatives insidiously embedding their primitive ideologies in modern academia."

"What?"

"Of course you don't get it. You're a man."

***************

Bella had never had a boyfriend. She believed all dating was date rape.

***************

Bella's mother found out about Edward Cullen by spying on her history.

Bella's mother was not particularly concerned about what she saw on the internet, or who she talked to. Bella was friends with a lot of strangers on Facebook, many of whom hit on her. Almost all her 4thwallcore bands had "Mature Content stickers on their albums. She had never gotten in trouble. She had even gotten hammered in plain sight of both her parents, while listening to music loud enough to make her deaf.

Renée just did it for fun. Security was how she explained it to other parents and her husband, Charlie.

***************

Bella caught Renée notifying the tabloids by spying on _her _history.

Yeah, she did that.

***************

"MOM! This is, like, so totally embarrassing! The whole COUNTRY doesn't need to know!"

"Bella, we're going through tough times economically. We could do with some more cash. You could get a car. Maybe a truck."

"I don't want a truck – hey wait, isn't that what Bella drives in Twilight?! Look, STOP THIS! I AM NOT _THAT _BELLA SWAN! _My life is – not – Twilight!"_

"Renée, I have to agree with her. This is wrong. We can't force this… persona on her. It's like we're selling her to the circus. She should decide who she wants to be."

Renée stood there. She thought. Her eyes filled with pain.

"Charlie, I don't think our marriage is working out."

Charlie exploded, and Bella imploded.

***************

Divorced, just like in Twilight. It's the last thing left.

You jerk-offs. You (_**beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep)**_

***************

She needed someone to talk to.

No, she needed someone to be angry at.

Someone to blame.

She talked to Edward Cullen.


End file.
